


butt jokes

by Abhorable, recalcitranthippolytus



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Awkwardness, Best Friends, Eventual Romance, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, Multi, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-21 23:08:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30029274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abhorable/pseuds/Abhorable, https://archiveofourown.org/users/recalcitranthippolytus/pseuds/recalcitranthippolytus
Summary: a young man by the name of john egbert stands alone in his bedroom, pissed as fuck because his roommate terezi and dirk strider are on his couch, watching fucking my little pony. we follow john's thoughts and feels as dirk just just keeps popping up more and more in his life.Notes:-terezi and nepeta are nonbinary and are written with they/them pronouns. multiple characters are lgbt, but they're not all labeled or have all of their pronouns written out.-my writing is all in lowercase, but it is grammatically correct and coherent.-chats written like they're on pesterchum are written like the respective characters.-formatting for pesterchats change to adapt for the fact theres no text colors on here.bonus creds:my lovely bf for writing pesterchats with me, being my john, and helping with planning and ideas.also creds to my bestfriend for being resident rose (tagged as co-creator)! im happy to have kinnies on board to help with proper characterization.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Jade Harley/Nepeta Leijon, John Egbert/Dirk Strider, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Terezi Pyrope/Vriska Serket
Kudos: 4





	1. instinctual hate for mlp and racism

john had himself propped up on his side, holding his head in his hand as he watched another shitty netflix original comedy special. at this point, he was watching whatever he could get. after watching both the oscar nominations and the golden globe nomination lists, he was running out of options. but he'd rather watch random dude being mildly homophobic and then read people on twitter calling it out. anything was better than sitting up in the living room and have to listen to the nerd patrol talk about talking rainbow horses with wings.

dirk had infiltrated john and terezi's apartment- again. they would spend all day watching, my little pony: friendship is magic. john had never watched sixty seconds of the fucking garbage, but he knew he hated it. maybe. sixty seconds doesn't exactly make an impact. but that doesn't really matter. it's a kids shows and these are grown adults.

this was the fourth time dirk was sitting on john's couch in john's home eating john's snacks with john's roommate. he was upset about it, no he wasn't because yes he is. no he's not ❤. it's the fucking ponies! brings out the worst in him. whatever. he opened up pesterchum and started pestering rose.

[ectoBiologist has started pestering tentacleTherapist]  
EB: rose.  
EB: what makes adults watch kid shows? specifically, kids shows about ponies?  
TT: Most likely in response of lack of a proper childhood, why? Is someone watching kids shows that are specifically about ponies?  
EB: terezi and dirk, he's taking up my spot on the couch.  
TT: Oh, well that honestly makes sense. both had to grow up incredibly fast and lacked true parental guidance. Their guardians weren't around, they both grew up incredibly isolated.  
EB: oh. :(  
EB: i was kind of hoping you would say they were just really childish or something.  
TT: That too.  
TT: Leave them be. Have you seen the Oscar's best directors nominations for this year?  
EB: yeah, and i watched all of the movies too. it is all just all the same a-listers. it's boring.  
TT: That is true. What are you doing while Dirk is over? Flirting, I presume?  
EB: no, ew.  
EB: sitting alone in my room would be the correct answer!! good luck next time.  
EB: i am definitely going to go bother them though!  
TT: John, this could be them coping. Things like age regression and watching children's programming let's people with trauma almost relive they're childhood.  
EB: you are being such a bummer!!! i don't think the ponies really have that deep of a reasoning. AND, they took the couch, and it has slightly less spit on it compared to the rest of the house.  
EB: i am tired of spit, rose.

[ectoBiologist has ceased pestering tentacleTherapist!]

john shut his laptop and sat up, sliding his feet off his bed and standing with a big stretch. he was bored and was going to bully the nerd patrol. he pulled a neon blue garfield hoodie over his head, adjusting his glasses and hair with a sigh and hobbled out of his room into the living room. john leaned against the doorway and looked at what was on the tv screen.

"how do you actually enjoy watching this garbage?" he asked without moving his eyes from the screen. he got an angry look from his roommate in return.  
"oh, you mean the masterpiece of good morals and appealing western animation that is my little pony: friendship is magic?" dirk replied, trying to get a rise out of john. the thing is- the dude has never seen more than a few episodes. he just thought rainbow dash was cool. terezi was a brony and dirk just enjoyed the company.  
"it's just anime horses. it's a shitty kids cartoon."  
"it's not anime dumbass. this is western animation," dirk put on a stupid know-it-all voice. "plus, if terezi likes it, its not for kids."  
terezi, who had been barely listening to this, still entranced by the piece of art on the screen, chuckled at that.  
"whatever," john said, turning back around. "it's still dumb." he walked back into his room, defeated by gay people. he had a frustrated look on his face... well the best he could. he kinda looked constipated. 

normally, john wouldn't have given up, but something about dirk made him more embarrassed when it was just his close friends. he bit at the skin around his nails, wandering around his room not knowing what to do. he threw himself down on his bed, fiddling with a prank gum pack that flung a toy cockroach out when you pulled at the stick of gum. he didn't know why dirk had to always come to his apartment. like, terezi can have friends over, god knows they needs it, but dirk is just a weirdo. john has barely had any interaction with him. he was just his bestfriends brother. do people, like, hang out with their friends siblings? no. that's weird. he tossed the toy onto his nightstand and rolled over on his side. he rolled over to his other side to grab his switch and unplugged it. he powered it on and flipped through the news, not having energy to actually play a game properly. he messed around on the NES online play puzzle games until he ended up passing out.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

john woke up to someone poking his face. whatever, just ignore it maybe they'll go away. he stayed unmoving with his eyes shut. well, until someone licked his fucking eyelids. his hands shot out and his eyes swung open. terezi fell on their ass from where they had been squatting with a cackle.  
john let out incoherent noises and looked at them with wide eyes, whipping the spit off his face with his palm.  
"i was checking if you were still sleeping," they said with a stupid grin across their face. honestly, he was kinda used to this. he just brushed it off and sat up.  
"what do you want? i thought you and dirk were hanging out." he stated as he corrected the position of his glasses, still bitter.  
"it's the next day, dipshit. he's been gone, stupid. i'm not letting TWO gay men sleep in my house. by the way, your phone has been blowing up, i'd check it if i were you." terezi got up and walked out of his room after grabbing at another prank toy on his dresser.  
"our house," he half heartedly called out to them as they left, almost forgetting the most important part. "i'm not gay!"

he watched her leave and immediately grabbed his phone off his night stand. they were right, new groupchat notifs.

[turntechGodhead has created a groupchat]  
dave: party at my house tonight babes  
dave: bring your finest juices were getting wine drunk  
dave: we're gunna be like those moms that drink at their kids playdates but were both the kids and the moms at the same time  
dave: call that the mom paradox  
jade: what's the occasion!!  
dave: movie fun time  
dave: john bring your minecraft girlfriend  
jade: yay!!! what time is everyone coming :3? i wanna tell nep  
roxy: go puppy gurl lovins the enthusiasm  
dave: do not care  
jade: wait-  
jade: were missing someone!!!>:(  
jade: two someones!!  
dirk: We are?  
dave: no  
dave: i got explicit instructions to not invite those someones  
dave: we don't like clown fuckers i guess  
dave: i think i can get behind it  
dave: seeing as one of them is super alien racist and the other fucks the alien racist  
dave: call that the alien racist paradox  
jade: oh.  
roxy: valid LOL  
roxy: my besties can fuck clowns, but it stops at racism  
roxy: low standers from the rox department  
rose: Kanaya and I will also be attending.  
rose: Message me your snack requests, it's assumed popcorn and gummy worms will be in order.  
dave: hell yeah snacks  
rose: Is John coming also?  
jade: yeah it's not a movie night without the movie guy! :((  
john: i am here!!! sorry i slept for like eighteen hours.  
john: but, okay i guess, ill be over.  
dave: cool  
dave: now we can have a movie night  
dave: call that the movie guy paradox  
john: stop talking about paradox's!!!  
roxy: hells yeah! movie night with the gays!... and john!  
[ectoBiologist has left a groupchat]

john made plans, i guess. well, he knew he needed to get out of the house so this was inevitable... but everyone is going to be there, including dirk. i don't know why he keeps thinking about him! he has never had a problem with him, he's just consistently just existed in his life but has never made a strong impact. it doesn't matter, at least his racist grandparents aren't coming.

he finally got out of his bed after scrolling through tiktok for an hour. he kept on the half assed multi-shade blue outfit he was wearing; he'd change later if ever. he had to go bug tz about going. he walked over to their bedroom door and knocked quietly, just brushing his knuckles across it. he heard their voice grumble as a half-assed 'come in'. he slowly cracked the door open to see terezi sprawled out across a beanbag chair reading a warrior cats book, sitting like they had just melted. the lights were a soft dark blue, distorting the glow and color of their brightly colored neon room. but that's unimportant, you're probably wondering how a blind person reads... brail, stupid.

"movie night at dave's, wanna come?" he asked. they looked up from their book, finally acknowledging his existence.  
"who's going? i don't wanna be surrounded by lame-asses like you." they asked, sticking their tongue out. they stretched their arms up after dog-earing their page and tossing it down.  
"same as last time."  
"sounds marvelous," they said, mocking a british accent with a snicker.  
"we can leave whenever you're ready." john said, getting a thumbs up in return.

he returned to his room, feeling sort of happy. not sort of, he was happy. he needed this. john picked out a comfy yet non-depressed looking outfit, a yellow hoodie and the same pair of navy blue sweatpants. he popped on some doggy socks and donned his crocs (terezi had a matching pair, and he was totally gonna force them to wear them tonight). he sat in his desk chair, messing around on the same puzzle game he played the night before. once terezi had gathered all of the kandi on the face of the earth, they headed out to do john's second favorite thing (only second to being an epic prank master), watching dumbass movies.


	2. john's unhinged amount of knowledge on nic cage saves the day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> strider-hosted movie night babey

john knocked on the door to dave's apartment, and was immediately greeted by a smiling karkat and a hug attack from jade. she literally launched herself onto him with a squeal, almost knocking him off of his feet. he could remember when she was 13 years old and still 4'10. the teasing for being short worked, being that she's almost six feet tall and john was of average male height (don't ask). but, he was happy to be back with his friends.  
they were the last to arrive, the group erupting with greetings and excitement from their places on the couch and floor. nepeta waved both their hands very stiffly in the air, excited for terezi to join the cuddle pile. the bracelets on their wrists clacked together as they vigorously waved her arms. dave waved from the chair he was sitting in, karkat standing behind it grabbing at dave's hair and twirling it between his fingers. as he waved over to the boys by the chair, roxy grabbed at his ankles from the floor, laying on her stomach. she smiled at him. he smiled back.  
"wassup johnny boy," she said with a smile.  
"just getting attack by a crazy cat lady, not much," he joked at her.  
"low blow with the feline joke, john, theres cat girls here," she said rolling onto her back, looking at upside down john and letting his legs go. she shot him a wink and rolled and went to greet his favorite girls. his mom's, perhaps.  
john smiled and greeted rose and kanaya in the kitchen, getting a peck on the cheek from rose as they both greeted him. he rubbed the black lipstick off his cheek with the back of his hand. terezi had already joined the group's loud conversations of laughter and jokes before hand. karkat and dave had snuggled up on a small chair off to the side, while roxy, jade, nepeta, and terezi laid sprawled out across the floor in a pile of pillows and blankets. roxy's loud laugh drowned everyone out. dirk sat stiff on the couch, hunched over on his phone. he chimed in with jokes every once in awhile, but he was obviously overstimulated and needed a minute to roll into a ball and look at tiktok. everyone was in their finest comfy clothes. almost everyone was in pajamas pants or shorts with hoodie or comfy, stupid graphic t-shirts.  
john happily helped the couple in the kitchen prepare microwave popcorn and distribute cups of whatever everyone wanted to drink into the crowd. he dropped sour gummy worms into terezi's cup of sprite. karkat and dave got first dibs on what they wanted to watch as the hosts, so tonight was a super sexy viewing of the cult classic grownups 2. of course it had to be adam sandler. it's dave were talking about here i believe he once called him "judaism's jesus."  
the couple and john entered the living area and started distributing huge bowls of instant pop popcorn to everyone in the room, the group thanking the three. rose and kanaya had already snuggled up in one corner of the couch, leaving two cushions. dirk had already been sitting cross legged in the center of the couch, so john immediately curled up on the opposite end of the girls, leaving a foot hanging down to swing at terezi's head to annoy them.  
dave stood up to flick the light switch off as karkat got the movie pulled up on the tv.  
"thank you all for coming to the epic sexy hot movie party movie night. this turn out is a big pog. tonight's film is truly a classic, considered modern art by some." he said in the most dramatic tone he could muster up. "introducing, grownups 2." he slowly backed away for dramatic effect as karkat pressed play on the remote at the perfect time. the audience clapped and cheered for what has to be, honestly, one of the better adam sandler movies.  
no one shut up throughout the movie. it was constant comments and jokes about how genuinely awful this movie was. karkat would argue with anyone about it, and john thought it was funny as fuck.  
"why did we have to choose absolutely horrible adam sandler comedies?" john said, being forced to watch kevin james get kicked in the balls. again. it's already happened too many times, but the funny factor never truly goes away. something about balls brings out the humor in a man.  
"you absolutely can't argue that hes not a 'cultural icon.'" karkat was ready for his ninety-seventh arguement defending this festering pile of shit.  
"i mean, yeah, but he makes HORRIBLE movies,"  
"yeah, like nic cage is any better,"  
"he is! he is extremely better!" john looked disgusted by karkat's claim, because it was a disgusting thing to say, disgusting motherfucker. how dare he, honestly. fucking rude.  
"how so? the fuckers got a reflective white pyramid reserved for him to be buried in,"  
"he's prepared! AND hes better at acting, and is much more attractive! at least, according to multiple teenage magazines. i've researched this." john argued, a thousand times more calm then karkat. john had researched this after all. that wasn't a joke he made, he genuinely researched nic cage facts when he got bored, the fucking nerd.  
"nic cage is one of the ugliest assfaces ive ever seen," karkat was trapped in a corner, as john simply knew too much about the cage. he could never win.  
"have you seen adam sandler? he looks like a human... giraffe... uh... hybrid thing!" roxy was cackling at this point. karkat shut up before john could get any further, but it was already far too late. john whipped out his phone and already had the giraffe. he had the fucking giraffe handy. he was waiting for that argument, too. the giraffe actually did look eerily like adam sandler. fucking weird. "its unnerving," he said, shoving his overly protected phone in his face. the giraffe had won. all was right in the world.  
he sat his ass back down and crossed his arms in a mocking sense, faking fun of karkat who was going to be pouting until he either forgot or came up with something to say. dirk looked over to john.  
"y'know egbert, you're actually pretty funny," dirk said with the cutest smile john had ever seen. in a friendly way!! he's straight. he just really loves his friends. in a platonic way. not gay. for real! john can say when he see's a good man!  
john's face lit up bright red, a big dopey smile spreading across his face. he just loves making new friends so much. he also love's when people think he's funny because he knows he is.  
"and, i gotta agree, nic cage is far better than the writer of deuce fucking bigelow." dirk joked, his voice softer and smoother than anyone else's. not in a gay way. the guy just has a nice voice. rose has a nice voice too. THAT doesn't sound gay, that sounds straight. even though rose is a lesbian, which is fine. john is not gay, but he's not a homophobe!!!! he loves gay people. platonically. he doesn't love gay people in a gay way. that would be gay. john is not gay. for real.  
"nic cage is a national treasure," john replied.  
dirk groaned, laughing out a, "oh fuck, a pun. someone give him a prize."  
yes! john's joke landed. he was dead set on impressing dirk now, simply with the mindset of making a friend. god, he loves friends. he had never really talked to dirk that much. he liked this spot on the couch. this is epic. he opened his mouth to try and make another joke, but was rudely interrupted by a groan from karkat.  
"you know what, no. you're so fucking wrong," karkat started. he had sat and pouted about it until he blew, just like i said. "no one with a valid opinion fucking enjoys nic cage movies. i can't listen to you two flirt about nic fucking cage."  
"first of all! i am not flirting, i am making friends, karkat. second, why does nic cage just unlock this primal rage in you?" john did not wanna go through this again but... who can resist fucking with karkat. dirk looked at john with a blank expression.  
"he fucking doesn't! you're just so fucking idiotic that i cant understand what leads you to even begin to think that that fuggly hairy taint of a man could be worthy of respect. he looks like he works in an earth walmart!"  
"is nic cage's raw talent too much for you?" john joked. karkat was livid.  
"john, i swear on every ass-licking thing you believe in-"rose intervened  
"can you two PLEASE shut your mouth's for long enough that we can hear a line of this movie?" she said, her brows furrowed in frustration. she sat up straight and looked between the two. kanaya sat with one hand around roses waist, the other pressing on the bridge if her nose, tired of their shit. dave laughed at them, karkat getting red and crossing his arms. he mumbled shit to himself about why he was arguing. john just shut his mouth and gave a nod, getting a laugh from dirk. he listens to his mom. he's a good jewish boy.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

john woke up sweaty on dave's couch, having no clue what happened. all he remembered was getting into another screaming match with karkat and ended up turning on shark tales (dave's pick, again). it's not like they actually got drunk or anything, he just passed out fifteen minutes into the movie. disrespectful to the art, i know, but the pile of furries on the floor were already asleep. except for terezi; they left after grownups 2 to spend the night with their girlfriend.  
nep, jade, and roxy were all asleep first, followed by dave and karkat curled up on the couch. john was next and once kanaya started to drift rose decided they'd better leave. kanaya planted a kiss on karkats cheek, waking him up. she didnt mean to, but he was an incredibly light sleeper. he ended up wandering into his and daves room and went back to sleep in his own bed. he had tried to wake up dave, but he refused to move.  
rose helped pick up cups and bowls and put them in the sink. kanaya was gathering their things as she tidied. before rose left she brushed john's hair out of his face and pulled a pillow out of the cuddle pile and gave it to him, knowing how he sleeps the best after countless sleepovers. the two waved goodbye to dirk, the only one still awake, and left dave's apartment after checking the door was locked.  
dirk had been wide awake, watching everything they did. he had completely zoned out on the animated fish before the couple had decided to leave. he watched john grapple onto the pillow. he looked at him for a little bit until backing up to where the girls had been sitting to let john have some space. dirk watched shark takes through the end, sitting perched in a squat on the couch cushion. he let the credits roll then turned the tv off and tried to sleep where the couple's former spot.  
it took twenty minutes before he just gave up and started messing around on his phone. well, not messing. he sat rereading through his messages between him and jake. he looked at john, god he was cute. cute in a grown ass man kinda way. none the less, he fixated on the minor resemblance john and jake had. he convinced himself that was why he thought anything passed platonic about him. he was just lonely. although they were nothing alike in personality... he was going to stop. he wasn't going to feel this for more than a few seconds at a time every week for the rest of forever.  
dirk sat up, thinking about what happened and imagining alternate scenarios in his head; both things he wished he'd done or things he wished he had to confidence to do with jake in their last moment's together. dirk only slept for two hours total, on and off so he didn't feel rested at all.

john had awoken, as previously mentioned, sweaty as all holy hell. where the fuck did this pillow come from? well, it was covered in his drool now. john was the last to wake up, great. oh, and terezi left. with his car.  
he didn't know how the hell they could have done that, but that wasn't the number one thing on his mind rn. he could smell dave making breakfast and he couldn't wait.  
john sat down at the table with nepeta and jade, helping them with coffee's and juices. karkat had set the table and soon sat to relax with them. dirk eventually wandered out of the bathroom and sat next to john with a forced white-guy courtesy smile.  
dave was in the kitchen, plating breakfast for everyone. everyone but roxy. she had grabbed a coffee and left, not wanting to trouble dave. she also wasn't exactly a breakfast person. but his hard work was finally on display. he'd created abominations.  
6 pancakes. each decorated to "perfection", as he would like to say. they resembled each eaters. horrific.johns was perhaps the worst of the bunch, as dave gave him runny eggs. fucking runny eggs. the worst egg type. seriously. runny egg eyes. he can't tell if this is trying to make fun of him for being a crybaby or for hating runny eggs. he did, however, get a nice whipped cream mouth with 2 strawberries as..teeth? he guesses.  
dave of course gave himself the good boiled eggs for his eyes and a little piece of bacon for his mouth. bacon mouths seemed to be a theme for everyone except john and karkat. nep even got a little cat mouth made out of the broken pieces. everyones was piled with whipped cream and strawberries.  
dave had disturbed everyones meals and sat down with a smug expression. he had never been prouder of himself. everyone reacted the same, disgusted yet impressed and entertained at the quality and skill. they had started eating themselves. mmmm, self cannibalism... god, john fucking hated runny eggs.  
so, they all sat, stuffed with their own breakfast food faces. nep and jade had escaped to jade's room to probably have hot warrior cats roleplay sex. probably, aka absolutely not. karkat sleepily did the dishes from breakfast, as john and the striders sat in blissfully awkward silence. eventually, karkat drug dave over to the couch to literally do nothing but to engage in the art of showing each other weird instagram life hack videos. now there were two.  
dirk stared at john until he realize, which then he decided to engage in conversation.  
"nice weather we're having, huh?" john started, looking a micheal cera level of discomfort.  
"uhh- we're inside," dirk replied like wtf is this dude on. god he was dumb. john didn't have the capacity to laugh at the dipshit. they both glanced around the room like they hadn't been here every weekend of their lives.  
"i'm bored," dirk stated to john as if he could magically remedy that.  
"i think its dave's place, it kills the soul with the despair of lofi hiphop to study and sleep to 24/7." thank you john.  
"hey, i heard that," dave said in a very monotone voice from the couch, literally not giving a shit.  
"do you wanna blow this popsicle stand?" dirk started, leading into 'lets go wonder around the mall of souless corporations until we want to tear our eyesball out of our faces.' y'know, like a normal guy.  
"we could go back to my apartment," john started. "Tez is at Vrisk's so we won't be bothered at least." john, you absolute bafoon. that sounds like SEX. YOU'RE GAY!!! not yet though. he's just stupid. he doesn't understand- its fine. but in dirk's mind he's wondering if they're about to hook up or sit on his couch and almost kill each other. he doesn't want to sleep with his brother's best friend, but his brother's best friend is kind of hot. i don't know... god- he doesn't want to sleep with his brother's best friend... yet. he doesn't know.... maybe just a littol kiss? god hes lonely. but is he lonely enough to kiss his brother's best friend? while he had his internal conflict of homosexuality, john had been staring at the red faced creamcicle sitting at the kitchen table across from him.  
"we don't have to if you don't want to-"  
"i do!" shit. "no, for real, i really do. not to be, like, weird." smooth. you have such a way with words dirk.  
"sorry- sure." the boys on the couch snickered, not looking up from their phones. the two most awkward nerds trying to have an interaction really was a scene.  
"okay, but i don't have a car right now," john awkwardly laughed out.  
"i do, it's fine." dirk had a 2004 bright orange two-door sunfire. and he hates it. it's a piece of literal shit on wheels. it's broken down 48 times this year and he's only taken it to get fixed 3 times. it barely functions but its better than walking, begging for rides, and dropping hundreds on a new car or in uber fees.  
after an awkward departure from the table, the boys split to say their goodbyes and gather their things. dirk pulled his hoodie over his head and grabbed his keys and looked to john, getting a nonverbal confirmation that he was ready after passing out half-assed hugs. dirk opened the door, like a gentlemen of course, and held it for john,  
"ladies first," motioning him out, bowing. john rolled his eyes and snickered as he yelled a final goodbye to dave.  
"okay, princess," john mocked. dirk jogged down the stairs, his keys jingling. dirk was getting obviously flirty, not intentionally, he's just going to a cute boy's house. he's excited. he was- for once- actually smiling. they both got to dirk's piss-mobile, the floors coated in spilled snacks, empty soda cans, and loose clothes. dirk got in first, grabbing the shit on the passenger's seat in handfuls and throwing it haphazardly onto the backseat. john got in and buckled himself up and adjusted the seat to his liking.  
dirk started the car, cool air immediately pouring in from the vents. dirk pulled a shirt from the backseat from where it was concealing loose junk mail. he tossed it on his lap for now, leaning over john to get into his glove box and pop a new air-freshener into the vents. john watched dirk's every mood as he prepped for his 5 minute car ride. dirk pulled his shades off before pulling his current hoodie and shirt off together, his bare chest and stomach suddenly in full view without warning.  
john was taken aback.  
oh.  
why.  
okay.  
why.  
not looking.  
look at phone.  
dirk slipped his arms through the cut-off tank top and than his head, his eyes shut as he did this. the bumps on his rips on his chest were visible from his sleves (and so were his nips.) he grabbed his shades and pushed them back onto his nose and fixed his tank top before pushing the aux into his phone. he looked over to john, who's eyes were wide as he looked at his homescreen blankly."  
uh, what music do you like?" dirk asked as he rolled his window down manually.  
"oh-" john started startled by the fact dirk was speaking to him and now kinda clothed.  
"uh i don't really care. whatever you like, i guess." dirk shrugged and listened, turning on one of his 8 playlists (which were mood based) and pulled his gear shift into reverse.  
He backed out of his parking space and started to drive- but one problem. he didn't know johns address. he stopped the car at the lot's exit with a soft "shit," and looked to john.  
"uh... where am i going?" he questioned as he angled his phone to john with google maps now open. john laughed and typed in his address. with that, to the tune of death, trice drawn by the scary jokes, they were off.


	3. glitzy gay depression music on vhs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dirk and john bestie hours (short chapter)

dirk drove comfortably, the way to john's apartment was basically a direct shot on a main road filled with shops and fast food restaurants. dirk offered to get food but john, who was slouched over his phone, ever so politely declined with a grunt. john did go back and forth from twitter to dirk though, he had no honest idea why, but he was staring at dirk. and dirk noticed. he never made it obvious, but he both didn't give a shit and kinda loved it. he didn't want john to be a rebound. he didn't want to date his brother's bestfriend- but he was cute. and funny. dirk shook his head, trying to stop the thoughts from coming in. he didn't like john, he just missed jake. he wasn't doing this. if he were to date john he would wait and it would be comfortable. nothing would really change from where it was not, just get better. they would hang out and tell jokes and watching movies but instead of just sitting, they could cuddle.

dirk had one arm propped on his open window and the other draped over the steering wheel, his fingers tapping against it to the music. he brushed his loose hand through his messy hair. his eyes were tired from barely sleeping and every time they drove past a portion of the road that wasn't coated in buildings, the sunlight peaking through would light up his eyes a bright orange.

after 7 minutes of glitzy gay depression music, they arrived to johns small apartment building. dirk turned the car off and unplugged his phone. the boys slowly made their way up to john's apartment in silence, dirk locking his car and john unlocking the door. he was welcomed into the same apartment he had been to a million times before to see terezi, but it felt different. it felt new, being that he was there to see john and not tz.

but can we please get into how fucking gross the apartment is. there's one normal couch and a normal table, but all the posters are framed and covered in spit. so is the tv. not the mention the tz reserved beanbag chair that is almost hard with solid with saliva. they are just constantly slobbering on everything, and john hates it. his bedroom is a slobber free zone. which is why john invites dirk into his room like a fucking dumbass. dirk glew red. he knew by the fact he said this in cargo sweat pants and minecraft socks that he did not know any better. god. (most likely) straight gamer men. he blinked hard.

"i'll check it out, sure. can we just hang out in the living room though?" he shrugged, keeping it cool. just two dude chilling. bros hanging out.  
"okay. do you want a water?" john asked, leading dirk to his room (which he had already seen a million times before) to stand there and let him look at all his cool epic (aka shitty awful) movie posters.  
"um.. yeah sure," dirk said. he could go for a water. that water would never be delivered. john has already forgotten. they stood in the doorway of john's room. dirk looked around, it was charming. nerdy- yet kinda cool. dirk walked around glancing at bookshelves filled with games mixed in with books, the same way the living room shelves were. john's bed was filled with plushies and pillows- none with a matching pillow case. he had a carpet that looked like grass by his bed, a small tv and a vhs player placed on it. by his bed were stacks apon stacks of vhs tapes. he had some pictures taped up by his window of him and his friends. he had movie collectables spread out on wall shelves and on his desk by his pc. it was cute.  
dirk kneeled down my the loose vhs tapes, all out of box but with labels. he looked through the stacks, trying not to jumble them up while john checked his computer. he has some classics. dirk sat down, still shifting through the little movie boxes. john soon came down and joined him.  
"did you wanna watch one?" john watched him go through them. he admired that he was careful unlike his brother. dave just whipped shit all over.  
"if you want to. i just think they're kinda cool," dirk answered. after he finished going through them, he stood up and stretched. he wandered into the living room, john just automatically following.

they sat on the couch, both on their phones with cable tv sitcoms just playing in the background. john stared at tiktok. his fyp was kind of overrun with hamsters. almost every other video was a hamster just doing something. dirk was texting roxy on and off while scrolling through twitter. every once in awhile one would laugh and show the other a video, but that was about it. it was a great hang out.

dirk, however, did break the silence temporarily.  
"snacks?" he said in the most cartoony, whiny, question voice he could muster. john pointed to the kitchen, dirk standing up and sighing in response. he stomped over to the fridge. "well, what do you want?" he asked, staring blankly at the open freezer.  
"pizza rolls?" john said, mocking dirks previous whiny tone.  
"hey- watch it. i won't microwave you pizza rolls if you keep it up, lazy bastard." dirk joked, obviously getting them the pizza rolls. he wanted pizza rolls. they were the good ones (aka not totino's.) john spent almost the whole rest of time being anxious over if he should go get his ds and play pokemon pearl and risk seeming rude. they just inhaled their snack and went back to making fun of everything that they saw. it honestly wasn't very eventful. i told you, just bro's being dudes.

after, like, a few hours of just chilling and laughing and stupid tiktoks, dirk was getting tired and decided to dip out (his words not mine). he gathered his things and picked up a bit (he's a guest, but he just really wants to be nice to john and keep things going) and left after scruffing up john's hair. tz would probably be home soon... john walked into his room with a 2 liter of sprite and locked himself in.


End file.
